The Reason Is 理由は [Hino]

[Tsukimori Ryosuke]

WARNING: This post has the potential of becoming very graphic!!!

Ryosuke didn't really know why he was taking Hino home.

Maybe it was because he was as depressed as the other boy. Maybe it was because he understood how he felt, at least even a little, even if their situations were completely different. The coldness he'd once felt towards the 2nd Year had dissipated over the course of the past few months, to be replaced with a sense of empathy, a need to help out, and a feeling of determined friendship which he hadn't felt in quite some time.

It probably had all to do with the secrets he'd been keeping for the younger boy and his other classmate, but whatever the reason, he'd felt compelled to reach out. Maybe deep down he was also hoping to share some of his own concerns with Hino, things he still hadn't told anyone else. Like Kaoru, his growing sense of being a problem to those around him, being kind of lonely....

Ryosuke remembered the first time he'd collided with Hino and Mizusawa together. The moment had absolutely shocked him, to the point of completely changing his perception of things, altering how he reacted to things when the other boys were around. It had scared him too. And yet, it had opened his eyes, hadn't it? It had been sort of difficult, holding the boys' secret with him for as long as he had. In some ways, he felt a sense of relief now that it was at least partially out. In others, he felt almost as badly as though he'd given it away himself. And yet this was a part of the secret that had been a surprise to him too. He knew Hino and Mizusawa's feelings for each other very well. He knew what that made them. He hadn't known Kiyama played into it at all.

But he hadn't said anything anyway.

He still had not. Despite what Hino and Mizusawa might be feeling now, Ryosuke could at least pride himself in the fact that he still hadn't said a thing. He was keeping his word.

And yet it didn't change the fact that he was still wallowing in something of his own depression. He'd had so many encounters lately that made him want to rethink his entire life. Not just with friends, but family too. He'd become sort of self-pitying, worrying more about who he was and what others thought of him than usual. Then the situation with Kaoru. He dwelled on that a lot, and the more he dwelled on it, the more he felt like he was making things even worse, not just for himself, but for her too.

Ryosuke was walking home with Hino now. They were only a few paces away from the Tsukimori Household--he could see the front door already from where he stood, though the lights were down. No one was home.

The night air felt quite good on Ryosuke's skin. Despite the wintry season, the worst of the chill seemed to have begun to leave the seaside behind. Yet tonight, after the heat of the events that had kicked up, it felt all too good to have the brisk air around them. Ryosuke watched as the door to his home rose up before them, and he almost considered just hovering around outside for a little bit rather than moving into his stuffy house.

He decided against it with one side glance at Hino, who--at least to Ryosuke--looked cold and tired.

The blonde Yankee went up to his front door and turned the key in the lock, his gaze focused blankly on the wall in front of him. With any luck, the rest of his family wouldn't be home so early. Naomi had a recital--he'd wanted to go, but there had been the Tumbling meet--and naturally both parents would be in attendance. As far as Ryosuke knew, they'd made a plan of staying out late to celebrate Naomi's successful young musician's career with a fancy dinner. Naomi had brought it up to him the week before.

"Ya gonna join in, big brother?" She'd been grinning in that same cute but sly style that Ryosuke always did with friends. "I'm not expecting much of a crowd, so the more the merrier. And dinner's going to be delicious afterward! Dad wants to go to that new Italian restaurant that opened up!"

Ryosuke had nodded and replied, "Sure I'll go. Don't expect me to talk that much, though--only when Mom and Dad aren't looking or something." Then he'd tousled her hair to be something of the traditional bratty big brother and wandered off.

"You don't have to talk, as long as you enjoy it!" Naomi had called back.

But he hadn't gone. He'd gone to the Tumbling meet instead, he'd ended up in the middle of the kind of situation which had been both unnerving and relieving. The emotional roller coaster he'd been riding for the past few months had finally reached the first rickety stop. And yet even though it was partly relieving, he was upset too. Not just about all the other problems he'd been dealing with on the side, but with the fact that everything had played out as it had. He wasn't sure what he'd been expecting for once Hino and Mizusawa reached this point--if they were ever going to reach this point--but for some reason, he'd imagined it as differently as Hino evidently had. And he certainly hadn't expected Kiyama to be involved. He hadn't expected that at all.....

"You can throw your stuff anywhere," Ryosuke told Hino softly, stepping inside the home and gesturing around the room as he removed his shoes. If his family wasn't going to be back for a long while--a glance at his mother's favorite clock told him it was only 7 now, Naomi had told him they planned to be back by around 10-ish or later--then it hardly seemed to matter where he and any friends might lounge around, at least right now when it was still so early. "And go ahead and sit where you'd like to as well."

He tried a smile, but none seemed to come out. He wondered if maybe inviting Hino back to his home had been a good idea at all. He'd done it in an attempt to comfort the other, knowing very well what he and Mizusawa had been through together for months now, and it looked as though he was already doing a poor job of it.

The blonde Yankee sighed deeply. He felt as though he'd been holding in that sigh since the moment they'd left behind the scene. There was some comfort--at least--in being back in his own house, without any annoying and disapproving parents around, feeling--for the time being--like he could at least try his best to be a good friend, to be there for Hino, in a setting where he felt at least a little more comfortable.

Eager for Hino to find some peace of mind, Ryosuke lowered his bag onto the space between the coffee table and the couch and then flopped down, patting the open space next to him to gesture for Hino to sit and get comfy. "You're not gonna feel any better just standing there," he said half-heartedly, trying to get out a smile again. "Come on, we walked a long way. Take a seat..."

OOC: Oh my gosh, his parents already avoid him because they think he's a troublemaker. Can you imagine if they walked in on what's about to happen here!??!? *is mindblown* And....I'M SORRY THIS POST IS SUCH GARBAGE! >.<

[Hino Tetsuya]

[[GURL! I'm sorry for how long this took me, and for how hard it sucks >.<]]



When Tsukimori had insisted that he come to his house, Hino hadn’t battered an eyelash. Under normal circumstanced he would have considered the idea strange and completely out of the character. But he considered everything that had happened to him over the last month or so, and he realised… just how many of those instances either directly or indirectly involved the blonde yankee.

In Hino’s eyes Tsukimori had somehow became a person, not because he didn’t think a Yankee was a person. But because now he felt like he knew him a little better. And until Hino can place a personality and ambition to a face, other’s may as well be blocks of wood ready for an open flame.

He didn’t know what Tsukimori had planned for this visiting, but Hino knew that in a way, it was what he needed. The last thing he wanted was to go home to his family, have his mother show concern, his father ask questions and his brother try to read his mind. At least if he were at the blonde’s he wouldn’t have them to contend with, if anyone. Though he would be lying if he had said this was the only reason for going with Tsukimori, he needed to talk to someone. And under the circumstance this was the only person Hino could do so with freely, without compromising himself of course.

Hino sighed to himself and stared down at his feet briefly as they walked. The hollow, dark feeling in his gut felt like it was spreading. Like it was trying to overcome his body and mind, and he couldn’t stop it.

He didn’t want to think about what had happened, or about the information that had fallen into his lap. It was the only time in his life he would have considered ignorance over knowing the truth. Because this particular truth was painful…

It wasn’t as though he didn’t understand how Mizusawa could like Kiyama, because Kiyama was attractive, he was also strong, mysterious and just about everything opposite to what he himself was. So why, he thought, why would he think Mizusawa could ever possibly hold feelings for him as strong as he did for Kiyama. For once Hino felt like he couldn’t compete.

That’s why he’d lied. That’s why he’d blown Mizusawa off as if it had all meant nothing. He couldn’t bear feeling the lesser, as though he had put in effort and feelings when they had never been truly returned. For all Hino had known, he was a fall back, the person Mizusawa settled for because he was too afraid to try for what he’d really wanted all along.

In retrospect, he should have realised, he’d seen Mizusawa looking at the Yankee more than once, he’d noticed the change in his temperament when Kiyama walked in the room and he’d also noticed how those factors had still been present even when they’d been together. Lessened, but present all the same. He considered that maybe, just maybe he had known, that the thought had crossed his mind, but for his own backwards reasoning he’d pushed it aside so that he could freely pursue his own needs without it weighing down his conscience.

Hino felt a shiver rush down his spine but suppressed the voice that usually escaped with it. It was cold, and it was only just hitting him now, after walking a fair distance without even noticing its effect on his body. He clasped his fingers together and felt how frozen they were, the joints slow and robotic as they tried to work against him. He’d been so caught up in his thoughts to pay mind to his surroundings, only realising where they were when Tsukimori stopped at his home and open the door.

"You can throw your stuff anywhere," The other offered once they were both inside. Hino noted, that it didn’t seem as though anyone else was home. That brought a little relief to his mind. "And go ahead and sit where you'd like to as well." The Yankee continued with something that could almost be a smile, but didn’t quite get there. Tsukimori was clearly uncomfortable, but Hino chose to ignore it. Hoping pretending the situation was easy would make it so.

Hino pushed his shoes from his feet at the door and stepped further into Tsukimori’s surprisingly quaint house. He dropped his bag from his shoulder to his hand as he made his way behind Tsukimori to the couch where the other took a seat, patting the spot beside him.

"You're not gonna feel any better just standing there, Come on, we walked a long way. Take a seat...”

Hino took in a shallow breath, hoping the strangeness he was feeling wasn’t apparent on his face. He returned Tsukimori’s awkward smile with something that probably came across as just as awkward.

He placed his bag on the floor beside his feet and sat down, his hand resting softly on his knees.

He knew he needed to speak, to say anything to try and lift the feeling between them. Hino had never been good at communicating with people in a real way, he could state facts, he could assert authority and he could attack with a forked tongue if need be. But it was hard to stop and just be himself.

“Thankyou…” Was the first thing he could manage, turning his head only slightly to meet the others eye’s.

“I hope my being here is not a burden on you or your family.” He couldn’t think of anything else to say at that moment, worried that anything he may say would come out wrong or incomplete.

His fingers grasped at his knees sharply and he tilted forward slightly, ruining his otherwise perfect posture. He looked down at his white knuckles, trying to figure out what exactly it was that made him so uncomfortable.

No… He corrected.

He wasn’t uncomfortable, he was nervous.

His eyebrows drew together.

But why…?

He wasn’t sure he wanted to think further into the reason.

[Tsukimori Ryosuke]

OOC: Hmmmmmm....suckage? I don't see any suckage!!! (Haha, all joking aside, if yours sucks, then mine...well, mine must be the pits! I thought yours was fantastic! >0< Such good writing!) Also, I guess.....should they be drunk in the next post? Or do you want me to be the first to write them drunk? XD Either way, don't feel too stressed, because you can do whatever you want, and I can play off that and go from there! Hope it was okay!


“Thankyou…”

"Don't mention it..."

Ryosuke sensed the tension in Hino's voice and instantly felt bad. He wondered if maybe his invitation had been unwanted, in addition to unexpected. He'd had Hino over his house only one time before this, and then, that had involved all the other members of the Tumbling team, not just him on his own. Anyway, he wasn't exactly super at-home and comfortable about all this either, especially not after what the two of them had been through together. But he'd done it to be a good friend, and taking the both of them away from the scene--Hino because it hurt him most, and himself because he understood--had seemed like the best idea, at the time.

Ryosuke picked up a piece of lint from the arm of the sofa and absentmindedly began rolling it in between his fingers, lost--at the moment--for something to say to the other guy. He had never been the best person for consoling others even if he did feel the sympathy.

“I hope my being here is not a burden on you or your family.”

Ryosuke's eyes widened. "Why do you think that?" Somewhere along the way during their sort of.....interesting friendship with each other, the Yankee had learned that Hino's family wasn't exactly the sort to make the youngest born feel at home. It was....a lot like Ryosuke's own family, wasn't it? The circumstances were different, like while maybe Ryosuke's parents had legitimate reasons for disliking him, Hino had probably done double-time for his parents and still hadn't been able to earn any sign of approval or love from them. Or from his dad, at least, who seemed to have powerful authority in the household.

"Hino...." Ryosuke hesitated, then threw the piece of lint behind him, sighing. He was going to cut to the chase. It hurt seeing Hino sitting there, looking so lost. "Look, Hino....about what happened. I don't think it's that Mizusawa doesn't like you. I don't think that's it at all. In fact...."

He paused again. This was hard.

"...in fact, I get the feeling that maybe, just maybe, he'd always liked Kiyama. I know that's....not consoling or anything, but what I mean to say is that even though he'd always liked the other guy, at some point, you came into his life and made things difficult. Not in a bad way--"

Was he really failing like this?

"--because I know the only reason that kind of thing would be bad was if it caused you or Mizusawa any trouble. Maybe now it is, a little....But that doesn't change the fact that....that you and Mizu had some really special moments, moments between just the two of you, moments that Mizusawa and Kiyama don't have. And, I know this will sound terrible, but uh.....I don't get the feeling that they're moments Kiyama and Mizusawa will end up having either, if you get what I mean...."

He looked away for a moment. It hadn't been the nicest thing to say, and probably not the best, but with all things considered, he didn't think he was doing as badly as he could be, especially not considering his own circumstances. Hino didn't know about Kaoru, and maybe some selfish part of him, in his heart, was hoping to convey some of that to the 2nd year at some point tonight too, but for now.....for now, all things considered, his words hadn't been too bad, he hoped. And more than that, he'd spoken only what he felt was true. He could have lied, he could have tried to be nice about things, but he'd been honest. That's what mattered, right?

Yet Hino still looked fairly uneasy, and Ryosuke couldn't judge if it was because of what he'd said or something else or just the fact that this situation had happened at all. The blonde Yankee felt at a bit of a loss for helping Hino now, because the truth was that while he'd brought the other here with the express purpose of trying to help him out, he probably wasn't going to be much help consoling him anyway because he, too, had his own problems on his mind.

"Hey, look, my parents won't be home for a long time, and you know what? I just decided I don't really give a damn how they feel about this.....I'll be right back." He signaled he'd be just a second by holding up his index finger and disappearing into the kitchen.

Once there, Ryosuke stopped at his dad's wine closet.

He was a delinquent, sure, but he'd never actually taken from his dad's stores of alcohol. Truth be told, though he had had alcohol in the past, it had never been anything over-the-top and never anything from his parents. He could honestly say that any he'd had had been from some random Yankee gathering and never in too much excess. Actually, he wasn't much of a drinker, and he didn't think Hino could possibly be one either. They shouldn't be drinking, not at their ages, but right now, he couldn't give a proper damn. Neither of them had parents who were willing to be there for them, to listen to them, help them through these damn angst issues......it meant they had to do it on their own, and Ryosuke was of the mindset now that they deserved--both of them--even at least an hour or two to find some solace from their problems.

He finally decided on a vintage Italian wine (but one of the youngest in his dad's collection, so as to avoid too much of a punishment when he faced the music eventually--anyway, it all tasted the same to him), and re-emerged into the living room of the home with the bottle and now two glasses, as well, in hand.

He didn't expect Hino to take the sight of the drink well, but he wasn't sure the other was going to refuse at this point either. Hino still looked really on-edge.

"Jya jyan!" Ryosuke was able to smile a little more now. He lifted the wine bottle in his best "show and tell" style, then moved back for the couch, setting the bottle and two glasses down on the coffee table in front of Hino. "I know what you're thinking, and I remember what I thought the first time I....had this kind of stuff, but what's important is that we just drink what's necessary and just put it back later, no problems."

He hesitated. Maybe this wasn't such a good idea?

"I mean, Yankees don't drink wine, so I can't say I've had it a lot, but wine's healthy. Supposed to......make you feel better, ya know?" After a moment, and with some difficulty, Ryosuke managed to uncork the thing and set to work pouring both of them half a glass to start. He dropped the corkscrew onto the table next to the bottle, then picked up his own glass and handed Hino his.

"Don't feel shy, Hino. Seriously. I know you're......mindful of the law and all that, but I think there are times when it should be okay to break it, uh, the law, I mean. It was made for people who have it easy, for people who don't need that extra something to feel like they've got some kind of support or help out there. You know, people who can follow the law easily because they've got all they need. Yankees don't have that....that's why they become Yankees, rebel against all these damn rules. Hell, even ex-Yankees don't have it. And I'm willing to bet over-worked gymnasts don't either. So that being said....Here's to all the world's suckers." He extended an arm to clink glasses with Hino, then took a sip from his own.

He suddenly felt a little bad about this, but it was just one glass. And not even that. He'd only filled theirs halfway. Plus, he hadn't been lying about the "feel good" bit. Wine really was meant to make one feel better, something to do with the brain. And tasting the bitterness of the liquid on his tongue, Ryosuke felt like its magic was already at work, even if that was just some invention by his imagination or faith in the drink.

Plus, it was only one drink, right?

[Hino Tetsuya]

ooc: I honestly can't believe I'm back. But I'm so happy to be here. I missed doing this so much!! And I missed everyone. I'm so sorry I was gone for so long.
I do apologize for the not-so-awesomeness of this post. It's been so long since I've written anything >.<

"Why do you think that?" The others eyes grew wide, and Hino could tell he spoke earnestly. Hino could pride himself on being good at many things, and just one of those things was seeing through bullshit, and for what seemed like one of the few times he’d cared to listen to what the yankee was actually saying, the other truly meant the words he spoke.

Hino let his fingers on his knees relax and stop creasing his pants in his nervousness. The unexplained nervousness that pulled at his every nerve, which slightly subsided a Tsukimori’s words.

Hino pressed his lips together tightly, he watched the other closely as he sought to find words.

"Hino...." Ryosuke began hesitantly, fidgeting and then sighing. "Look, Hino....about what happened. I don't think it's that Mizusawa doesn't like you. I don't think that's it at all. In fact...."

Hino felt a stab in his chest. He suddenly remembered why he was here, why he had a gut wrenching pain in his stomach and why he felt a little… hollow. It wasn’t as though it were something he could ever entirely forget, but the small amount of time he’d spent with the yankee he’d been too distracted to think about anything but the present.

Or maybe… he thought. He’d forced himself to push it aside, even if it had only been for a moment.

"...in fact, I get the feeling that maybe, just maybe, he'd always liked Kiyama. I know that's....not consoling or anything, but what I mean to say is that even though he'd always liked the other guy, at some point, you came into his life and made things difficult. Not in a bad way-- because I know the only reason that kind of thing would be bad was if it caused you or Mizusawa any trouble. Maybe now it is, a little....But that doesn't change the fact that....that you and Mizu had some really special moments, moments between just the two of you, moments that Mizusawa and Kiyama don't have. And, I know this will sound terrible, but uh.....I don't get the feeling that they're moments Kiyama and Mizusawa will end up having either, if you get what I mean...."

Hino blinked, and blinked again. He forced an expression that was as neutral as he could while his brain deciphered what Ryosuke had just said. Because he thinks the other was attempting to make him feel better about the situation.

And it was … working.

When Tsukimori turned away Hino let a slight smile pull at the corner of his lips, not because his problem or his feelings had magically disappeared but because someone was trying. It was something he should be coming accustomed to of late, the rest of the Tumbling team seeming to make it a point of getting involved in each other’s business and making royal nuisances of themselves.

He knew what Tsukmori had said held some truth to it, even if it had been an extremely roundabout way of telling it. He didn’t know the complete story that fell behind Mizusawa’s feelings for Kiyama, so he couldn’t consider himself any kind of expert on the situation. But he was sure even if he had known the full truth, there would still be a similar pain to feel and the same emptiness that followed. For all he knew, Mizusawa had had feelings for the other yankee right through high school, and sure things changed when things had began between the two of them. But did that make what they shared, a relationship of convenience? Did they even really consider it a relationship at all? They always seemed to busy focusing on the physical side everything to spend any time talking about what was happening between them.

The slightly good feeling that had come briefly from what the other had said had diminished in his reasoning, and the rotten sickness returned. He hated that he was letting this take over him; he hated how much this had made him seem like the majority of his demographic that was ruled by their hormones and their relationships with others. He has always sought to be above that, to not let emotions control his life or take away from his training and set back his future. And that was exactly what was happening. His eyebrows drew together and a slight frown painted his face.

Ryosuke spoke, and enthusiasm in his voice that both irritated and intrigued.


"Hey, look, my parents won't be home for a long time, and you know what? I just decided I don't really give a damn how they feel about this.....I'll be right back."

He watched curiously as the other got up and left promptly, left him alone in a house that wasn’t his own but had a comforting feeling about it that surprised him knowing the occupants. He took his time to take in the room and try and relax.

Because he needed to relax and most of all, he thought, he needed to forget.

Once he forgot, he could move on, and return to his old life.

It wasn’t long before his host returned, with suspicious bottle in hand. Hino eyed it cautiously.

"Jya jyan!" He cheered and placed the bottle and two glasses on the coffee table before them. Hino’s eyes dragged from the kitchen ware to Ryosuke’s enthused face. "I know what you're thinking, and I remember what I thought the first time I....had this kind of stuff, but what's important is that we just drink what's necessary and just put it back later, no problems."

Hino raised an eyebrow, Ryosuke was very much wrong if he thought he was concerned about the deceitful consumption of the other’s parents alcohol and not being caught. Hino was concerned about the consequences of drinking alcohol long term, as well as the short term, such as intoxication.

There was a short pause where the other looked apprehensive. Hino knew that was for good reason.

"I mean, Yankees don't drink wine, so I can't say I've had it a lot, but wine's healthy. Supposed to......make you feel better, ya know?"

Hino just watched quietly, hoping to squash the little voice in the back of his mind that was telling him that ‘maybe’ this could be a good thing. That this would help him relax, and maybe even forget his problems for a little. He hoped that his better judgement would return. But before it could there was already a glass in his hand that was half full with shining liquid that teased him with its illusion of greatness.

"Don't feel shy, Hino. Seriously. I know you're......mindful of the law and all that, but I think there are times when it should be okay to break it, uh, the law, I mean. It was made for people who have it easy, for people who don't need that extra something to feel like they've got some kind of support or help out there. You know, people who can follow the law easily because they've got all they need. Yankees don't have that....that's why they become Yankees, rebel against all these damn rules. Hell, even ex-Yankees don't have it. And I'm willing to bet over-worked gymnasts don't either. So that being said....Here's to all the world's suckers."

Hino felt the clink of glass resonate through his hand and to his ears. He watched Ryosuke take a sip from his glass.

‘Liquid courage’ he’d once heard it be called.

He looked once again to the glass and back to the other. One glass wouldn’t hurt, it could possibly even… help.

He lifted it tentatively to his lips, pausing when the cool glass touched his skin. He kept his eyes firmly on Tsukimori as he tilted the glass to let the coolness seep onto his tongue.

He took in a breath, and lowered his glass to let it rest on his lap between his fingers.

“Thankyou, Tsukimori-sempai.” He knew his voice was not too much above a whisper, but the lack of background noise in the room meant he could get away with it.

“I know we’ve never been friends…” He paused, momentarily forgetting his train of thought. “… I know that I never made it easy for you, any of you, to get close to me. Or feel welcome.” He looked down from the other’s eyes to let his own stare at the glowing wine in the glass he held, tilting it lightly from side to side to make it twirl about itself in the glass gently.

“And I’m sure you have your own problems to be dealing with right now, without also having mine burdening you. Not to mention what we’ve been through…” He knew he didn’t need to elaborate. There were several things that fell into that category that he knew Ryosuke did not need reminding of.

“I just – I…” His eyebrows drew together in thought.

“I want to apologise.” His words left his mouth, and immediately he could tell just how uneven his voice had been, and how obvious his emotions were coming across. But he pushed on, straightening his back and coughing to cover his voice change.

“I’m sorry for how I treated you, and for how much I undervalued you as a team member…” He looked up once more. “and as a person. As it turned out, you, have been a much better one than I have.”

He took a more formidable sip of his wine, which was more like a gulp.

“In such a short amount of time, you have done so much for me. You even saved my life, and you barely even know me.” He poured the rest down his throat and squinted at the bitter taste.

“… because I didn’t let you”